The Worst Instructions

Weaver · September 15, 2011, 04:04:26 PM

Okay, to go with the Worst Box Art topic, how about worst instructions?

I've just got a "Science Treasury" M4A1 half track:

1. The kit is of the mortar carrier version, but the blurb, sprue diagram and 4-view diagram are of the standard troop carrier.

2. The actual assembly instructions, on the other side of the same piece of paper, are for one of those big German artillery tractor half-tracks.

3. Where you'd expect the painting instructions, there's a top, side, front and back line drawing of dubious accuracy with no painting instruction on them at all.

4. The "English" translation is hilarious:

CAUTION

MAKE SURE TO READ INSTRUCTIONSTED BELOW BEFORE ASSEMBLING.

ADULT SUPERVISOR SHULD ALSO READ INSTRUCTIONS WHEN ASSEMBLED BY CHILDFED 12OR YOUNGER.

1. THIS BEING ANASSEMBLY KITREAD INSINSTUCTIONS BEFORE ASSEMBLEING.

2. TEAR JPAND THROW THEPIASTIC BAGSCONTA NGKIT PARS AS CHLDREDMAY SUFFOCATE BY SWALLOWINGOR WEARING OVER HEAD.

3. OUT THE PARTS OFF PROPERY AND THFOW THE WASTE PARTS INTO DUSTBOX AT CNCE.

4. DO NOT PLAY WITH THE PARTS FOR ANY OTHER PJRPOSE AS SONE PARTS MAY BE TOO SHARR MORE CAUTION AND CARENEEDED FOR FAMLISE WITH INFANTS.

5. DO NOT SWALLOW ANY PARTS AND OYT-OFF CHIPS KEEP AWAY FROM REACH OF DHILBREN.

6. WRONG OR CARELESS USAGE OF NIPPER CUTTER FILE ECT MAY HURT THE ASSEMBLER.

7. BE CAUTIOUS AS FOLLOWS WHEN USING ADHESIVES ANDIOR PAINTS:
A.DO NOT USE IN CLOSED ROOM TO AVOID POISNING TOXIC.
B. DO NOT USE NEAR FIRE TO ANOID FLAMMABILITY.

5. The list of parts includes:

cartwheel trestle (chassis)
notor pate underplate (cab floor)
radiation (rad grill)
micro and midst cartwheels (track sprocket and idler)
cartwheel sagittal plates (roadwheel bogies)
compartment meter panel (dashboard)
steering wheel billot (steering column?)
keys of hutch (?)
soldiery (crew)
tau box jaws (?)
explosive box up and down casing (ammo box)
scatter gun (.50 cal MG)
car tail security parapet (? - not actually on the drawing...)

The Rat · September 15, 2011, 04:20:14 PM

Classic 'Chingrish'!

Here's my entry, an absolutely horrid Russian kit that was supposed to be a MiG-19, but actually bore no relationship to any aircraft living or dead. It was a cheap reproduction of an already horrid Lindberg kit:

As a bonus, here's the box 'art':

The Rat · September 15, 2011, 04:22:13 PM

The VEB Plastikart Mil-4 wasn't much better:

rickshaw · September 15, 2011, 09:43:51 PM

You read instructions?

beowulf · September 16, 2011, 01:40:14 AM

lol....i was going to suggest science treasury as well...................got a cromwell in the stash and the instructions are just as hilarious

rickshaw · September 16, 2011, 01:52:14 AM

This page describes "Science Treasury" kits as:

Quote
An Asian company named "Science Treasury" (imported by LEE) has marketed several poor copies of Hasegawa kits during the late 1990s

I'd never heard of them before.

PR19_Kit · September 16, 2011, 02:37:22 AM

Ye gods, that takes some beating Weaver!

Yonks ago, when Tamiya first started to import their stuff into UK, I ended up writing the English instructions for many of their kits as their feedback suggested their sales were suffering because of the incomprehensible instructions written by their home office. Even after they'd been 'checked' by a supposedly 'Fluent Engrish Speaker' some errors still got through. As many of their kits required nuts and bolts etc. they failed to properly translate the Japanese for 'bolt' (or 'screw') which was 'vis', and the sheets were peppered with loads of 'vis' words. We had loads of people bringing kits back that they were unable to build just because of that single error.

It'd be interesting to see if the same problem occured in the opposite direction too, do translated Airfix instructions go down well in Outer Mongolia etc?

Weaver · September 16, 2011, 04:12:26 AM

I know - I've half a mind to buy their German half-track now, just to see if it's got the Yank half-track's instructions on it....

The Rat · September 16, 2011, 05:39:14 AM

Quote from: Weaver on September 15, 2011, 04:04:26 PM2. TEAR JPAND THROW THEPIASTIC BAGSCONTA NGKIT PARS AS CHLDREDMAY SUFFOCATE BY SWALLOWINGOR WEARING OVER HEAD.

I had to read that about 5 times before it became clear enough to understand. I'm used to the normal mangling of sentence structure and substituting with words that are out of place, but 'Science Treasury' seems to go one step further by not getting the letters in the words correct either, a j instead of a u, i instead of an l, missing some entirely, wow, these folks are prizewinners!

Weaver · September 16, 2011, 02:56:57 PM

From the instructions of the Polish (various brands) 1/72nd TS-11 Iskra kit:

Technical data of TS-11 "Iskra":

Construction - wings of double lifted construction, halfcrusted, endowed with ailerons, flaps with two chinks and aerodynamic brakes. The whole upfited in chains on a trunk.
Drive - one jest engine SO-3 or SO-3B of 981 daN.
Armament - one steady 23mm gun at the front of the trunk and nonguided missiles, guns fuel tanks or bombs hanged on four underwing bounds......

puddingwrestler · September 16, 2011, 03:12:37 PM

Well, they had to include all those saftey warning, the feds were after them. IN fact, they'd infiltrated a child spy into their operation, or at least that's what I assume all this talk about supervising a 'Childfed 12or younger' is about...

Naturally, I ignore instructions and tend to build things which don't come with instructions. It avoids the attentions of the dreaded juvenile FBI.

McColm · September 17, 2011, 01:57:43 AM

Airfix and Matchbox tank transporter 1/76 kits instructions are a bit vague as well.

Joe C-P · September 19, 2011, 07:51:18 PM

Quote from: McColm on September 17, 2011, 01:57:43 AM
Airfix and Matchbox tank transporter 1/76 kits instructions are a bit vague as well.

Yes, but vague Airfix instructions are expected.

philp · September 19, 2011, 10:38:17 PM

Anyone who has built the Hobbycrap kit of the CF-100 has had to gotten a laugh out of the drawings in the instructions.

Think they hired some 5th grader who did a great job but still not sure about the slot for the stabilizer.

PR19_Kit · September 19, 2011, 11:19:50 PM

Some of the earlier A Model instructions leave something to be desired, but then they are in Russian of course.

Their Rutan Voyager is a case in point in that you end up with 4-5 odd shaped bits of plastic that don't go anywhere, and don't appear in the drawings or in the 'instructions'. Of course they could be flash or sprue but they look like aerials to me.