Elbonian Military

[zenrat]

Anyone ever thought about how the Elbonian military would be equipped?

[Mr.Creak]

Probably something extremely high-tech.
Like a cardboard box.
Maybe with mud in it.
(Assuming you're referring to the Elbonia from Dilbert).

[zenrat]

Yes.  Dilbert.  I bought next years calendar today and it got me thinking.
As a former communist state they would potentially have been supplied by either the Soviet Union or China.  But then upon embracing capitalism they would surely have tried to upgrade their equipment and been sold something unsuitable.
Damn, seems everything I think about I end up back at this

[Weaver]

During the Communist era the Elbonian army was equipped with a simple, rugged AFV, perfectly suited to their conditions: the PT-76 amphibious tank. The vehicles were adapted for Elbonian service by having their deep wading snorkels permanently welded to the turret roofs, and suitable ammunition was produced locally, which is why to this day, grade 1 Elbonian potatoes are exactly 76mm in diameter. The fleet served valiantly in many gruelling Elbonian military parades, achieving particular success once it was discovered that attaching small white pennants to the tops of the snorkels allowed the party leaders to see where the vehicles actually were and time their salutes accordingly. According to the the Elbonian People's Army Journal, this practice is the origin of the vehicles nickname "tinkazi", which, it's English language edition assures us, translates very roughly as "mud swan".

Unfortunately, the PT-76 would have been utterly unable to win a battle for Elbonia unless used by the thousand which was never going to happen since Elbonia could only afford a couple of hundred of them, and could only pay for fuel or crew wages, but not both, for 90% of the fleet in any given five year plan. Thus, once free of the yoke of Communism, Elbonia embarked on a ambitious Western-backed upgrade programme which brought immediate benefits to the Elbonian construction industry as several million square feet of office space had to be built in a hurry to accomodate the neccessary teams of consultants, advisors and defence-contractor marketing teams.

After an exhaustive five-year, 500 million dollar evaluation phase, the western consultants came to the conclusion that the PT-76 could never be upgraded to meet NATO standards of cost and sophistication (i.e. it was irredeemably cheap and simple), and so a modern, free-market competetive process was launched to find an alternative. Now, after a rigourous eight year process, a custom-tailored state-of-the-art solution has been chosen entirely on it's technical merits, the winning bidder being the British Integrated Battlefield Equipment corporation. BrIBE's innovative solution marries a mature, low-risk Russian legacy platform which has the advantage of already being familiar to in-country technical personnel, to the latest in Western computerised combat systems (produced by the Shanghai Information Technology Equipment company) and a revolutionary ecologically sound hybrid drive system to produce the PT-7600 eVolution.

Regrettably, plans to procure some sixty PT-7600 eVolutions had to be scaled back due to the current economic climate, but by stretching out deliveries to reduce the capital expenditure in any given year, Elbonia will still be able take delivery of one vehicle every two years for the twenty year life of the program at the same total programme cost, which is regarded as a major achievement. of course, the programe has it's critics, who point out that the electric drive system shorts out when exposed to mud, the computers fail when exposed to mud, and that white pennants can't be attached to the satellite uplink aerial without interfering with the GPS signal. However, as BrIBE are quick to point out, all cutting-edge technology programs have their teething troubles, and they have in fact achieved a major reduction in the overheads associated with ironing these out by moving the neccessary teams of engineers and PR representatives into the same new offices recently vacated by the procurement consultants and marketing teams, whose current whereabouts remains unconfirmed.   

[Mr.Creak]

When Elbonia split into two (North & South) both factions needed a navy to contest local waterways (deeper mud pools).
The PT-76 was the perfect solution as naval power: it floated.
Removal of the turret reduced weight, as did removal of the engine - cf paying for crew or fuel - sails were fitted to the snorkel to provide motive power.
There were few problems with removal of the turret since the vehicles vessels were crewed by sailors, and colourful language became the weapon of choice ¹, with hand-thrown potatoes (calibre irrelevant) used when the range (and wind) made shouted insults impractical.

1There are, however, a number of outstanding "war crimes" suits pending: some crews resorted to insulting their opponents' pigs.

[rickshaw]

I believe this is the perfect AFV for Elbonia, the Object 279!



Able to float on mud, churn it's way through and destroy all opposition with it's powerful gun!   

[zenrat]

OK, so that's the army and navy dealt with.  Air force?
I'm having trouble coming up with something that could break the suction of the mud in order to achieve flight.
Maybe some kind of combined hovercraft/ekranoplan.

[Rheged]

OK, so that's the army and navy dealt with.  Air force?
I'm having trouble coming up with something that could break the suction of the mud in order to achieve flight.
Maybe some kind of combined hovercraft/ekranoplan.

ZELL  launching,  using a mighty catapult

[scooter]

Well, they do have drones...

[dadlamassu]

Elbonian AWACS

[grayman]

I constantly amazed at how my workplace mimics that of Dilbert...right down to the Elbonians. Throw in a good measure of Yes Minister/Yes Prime Minister and my work life definitely imitates art.

As for Elbonian armour, I'd have thought the Semple (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Semple_tank) would be a good fit...

[zenrat]

Thanks for that greyman.  I wasn't aware of it.
That'd be an easy build basing it on the 1/25 AMT D6 dozer chassis combined with corrugated cardboard.

Airships are the obvious solution for the Elbonian Airforce.  Hydrogen could be obtained by dissasociating the water content of the mud into that and oxygen.
One man fighter blimps armed with the same 76mm spud gun as Weaver's PT76s or larger bomber zeppelins capable of dropping thousands of pounds of mud on the enemy (either in smaller discrete lumps of as one large blockbusting "Big Job").

[dadlamassu]

Elbonian orders group


Assault Bridge


Test of the latest dual purpose tank/submarine

[Joe C-P]

Oh my God, you're going to kill me with the pictures!   

I think everything would be pedal powered and mud-coloured, and they'd keep losing things because they all blend into the mud.

[grayman]

I would have to think that this would be the standard sidearm (officers only):

And, at the far end of the scale:


...picture that on a super-sized Semple...

Merry Christmas to all.